Across the various different poly sites in the past few months, I have been seeing more and more posts about swinging vs. polyamory. Mostly, it is people in pure-poly relationships complaining that people who primarily have a swinging lifestyle are using the term 'poly' when they aren't really.
This is a fair and valid point. It seems that now swinging is more accepted than it used to be and certain members of the swinging community liked the idea of being part of something 'underground' and generally not accepted by the mainstream. Thus, they started calling themselves 'polyamorists' when all they really want is sexual relationships with no meaningful bond between partners.
But where does that leave people in a true open relationship like ours? Yes, we are allowed to find other partners to share the rest of our lives with (i.e. polyamory). But we are also allowed to find casual sexual relationships where there is lasting emotional bond between the partners and where we can all join in (i.e. swingers). Are we thus swingers? Polyamorists? Fruit cakes? Are we all three?
Can we call ourselves poly without being frowned upon by the purists? Are the purists right in saying that polyamory can only include relationships where there is a love between long-term partners? Surely they have to agree that there are many types of love, including sexual. Isn't swinging just a way of sharing this sexual love? Therefore, swinging is a form of polyamory.
I think the problem with Polyamory is that the definition is too broad. The English language only has one word to define love. But there are so many types of love. Love between parents and children. Love between siblings. Love between friends (not sexual/intimate in any way). Love between partners. I could go on. So, Polyamory is 'many loves'. But what loves? It could be argued that all families are polyamorists. A father loves his wife, children and parents. Therefore, many loves, therefore polyamory. But this isn't what polyamory is. It's about romantic attachments between consenting partners.
It also doesn't help that there are so many different organisations and groups all claiming to be the main poly group. Each has it's own symbol (I've come across at least 10 symbols so far) and definitions of what polyamory is. Being so open and trying to include as many types of people as possible is great, but is also what's holding things back. With the gay community, there are well defined sub-groups. Bi, Trans, Straight, Pan. With polyamory it's almost on a per-relationship basis. We allow anything The next couple will only allow sexual relationships within the group. The next will allow sexual relationships with anybody but no serious relationships outside the group.
I'm proud to be a part of this polyamory movement. I don't hold the belief that is forced upon us by religion or popular culture. So long as no one gets hurt and I can share my love with multiple partners, why shouldn't I.
Enough for now. I hope this will elicit some discussion.
It is a difficult thing to work out where or if there is a thin grey line between Polyamory and Swinging.
To me Polyamory is about love - I have been down the swinging track and found recreational sex wasn't what I was looking for.
It seems to me that a lot of swingers wouldn't be accepting on your views, so perhaps you could say that you are Polyamorous but swing if you feel like it - you have the abilty to see past just recreation sex....
I think you make a valid point there as we aren't just out for sex with no emotional strings attached. we have talked about trying swinging but at the moment, we're primarily looking for other emotional connections.
Good Luck with your journey and please feel free to let us know how it all goes as I know some who do manage both swinging and polyamory - much to the ire of hardline swingers and polyamory.
I suppose from my point of view (being logged in as Admin instead of Tastiger) - is when you have people coming to the site and despite the articles etc seem convinced that all we are is a bunch of people who want recereational sex - it's as if some folk just can't see anything beyond sex.
As a result - we get these lovely pictures of couples copulating or peoples anatomy posted, as well as a number of our female members being stalked.
That is why I wish sometime there was a "dividing line".
Recreational sex is more of a sport than it is love. I have a friend in a distant city I sometimes visit; if she invites me to her bed and we make love that shows only that we are good friends with lots pf affection for each other. Of course 'real love' can't be defined, since there is a continuum linking affection, love, sex, lust, infatuation and other human responses to preferred individuals. But swingers who don't care much if at all for their temporary sex partners outside the encounter, and probably know next to nothing about them, are not being polyamorist. Polyamourous relationships are lasting and involve lomg term emotional and social linkings, such as going on holidays together, and sharing responsibilities, as well as caring for each other. This is more akin to marriage than to 'swinging'!
I think Mloclam has hit the nail on the head and made some valid points - things like holidays together and sharing responsibilities are the defining points for polyamory to me.
Back in the swinging days - sure you may go an a weekend away with some swinging friends but the emphasis would still be on sex - where as our holidays are more like your traditional family holiday - simply because we are going away as a family - an unusual family but still a family.
Bottom line - sex isn't the be all and end all of our relationship - certainly it is an intregal part of it and fun - but if it doesn't happen there is no great loss, we still have our love.
You don't take a swinger home to meet your parents.
You can be poly without having sex but you can't be a swinger without it. I would stay with and love and care for a partner who couldn't have sex, and I would still need partners to love and care for if i couldn't have sex. I have heard of quite a few poly situations where a partner is non sexual for various reasons and a fully paid up family member.A poly person could be a swinger too with the consent of their partners but married or monogamous swingers could hardly be considered polyamourous. Have you ever invited a swinger to help you wash the dog/car/boat. The difference is, you don't take a swinger home to meet your parents and a swinger won't help out with your chores.
I believe that a fair percentage of swingers are poly (to a degree) but due to the lack of mainstream knowledge on the subject (for example I only came across the term by accident and thank God i did), they still consider themselves to be swingers simply because they have not come across the idea of poly. The concept of being able to openly love more than one partner is still fairly "out there" in todays society and I liken it to the early days of the gay rights movement. As everyone in this community knows, there are so many ways that people express and show love towards other people that it is very difficult to give an exact definition of poly, as the definition of a concept changes with the values of the people who subscribe to it. To me, Poly is about being able to openly express love as I choose without recrimination, as long as I cause no hurt. My partner and I have been swingers in the past and we still occasionally indulge in casual sex with people, although it is normally with people that we are well acquainted with and trust. Does that mean that I am half poly and half swinger?
I cannot provide a definitive answer to bendercairns although I would have to says my views on the subject align very much with the comments made by dsynfolt and that to me is the dividing line between the two lifestyles.
Some good disscussion here...
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