PolyOz

Time and time again the subject of sex and jealousy is raised in discussions about our lifestyle, in this article from his Blog, Polyamory Paradigm gives us his view on the subject:

Recently I was talking with a partner of mine about her potential new lover who is a contradiction to her normal tastes and desires. Being a bit confused, I asked some questions to which I got a response that surprised me. Referring to her potential new partner she said, "We are poly. You know I'm going to sleep with other people so I didn't think you would care."That got me to thinking about conversations I've had with potential new partners of my own. One of my relationship rules is that I know about any new sexual partners they acquire before we have sex together again. Let me be clear with that one. It isn't that I must know before they have sex with a new partner (though that is my preference), I want to know they have had sex with a new partner before I have sex with them again so I can gauge my feelings about safety. Often the response I get to that rule is much like the one my current partner gave; "You're poly. Why would you care if I sleep with someone else?"

First, there are no rules. Nobody owns the copyright on polyamory. You get to build your own to fit you and your dearloves.

One thing that comes up in every conversation about polyamory is communication. If there is any basic building block, this is probably it. If you can talk about your hopes, you're on the way to realizing them.

If you're in a relationship already, and have not talked about how you feel and what you want, and you're asking the question "How do I start doing this poly stuff?", you may have some qualms about talking to your partner. What you do will have to be determined by your own ethics and your own situation; chances are that if you ask on the newsgroup, many polyfolk will suggest you talk it over with your partner, and they may point out that even if you two do not decide to live polyamorously, you may very well increase the intimacy level in your monogamous dyad by having the discussion.

- Percy Byshe Shelley

The road to Polyamory Utopia is long and twisting. There are many learning curves and it is dotted with potholes and littered with road kill. The rewards are great on arrival but there is a price to pay.   You have to learn how to negotiate this road and unfortunately our parents, peers, teachers, and clerics have not been too helpful in guiding us along the way.

But we are learning  Brad Blanton, the author of Radical Honesty, in a keynote address at a Loving More conference several years ago said, “You guys are the research and development arm of society”.    And as researchers we will make mistakes .

But we also learn as we make mistakes. In observing the Poly community over the past 10 years it has become apparent to me that there are some basic principles, I call them Pillars, that everyone must understand and internalize to be able to successfully negotiate the road to Polyamory.

Originally Published in The Times April 4, 2005

 

 

© Lewis Smith / The Times

TWO academics have boldly declared their love — not just for each other but also for the other partners in their multi-lover relationship.

 

 

 

“I am a polyamoric,” each told a spellbound audience at the weekend as they tried to explain their life together.

 

Like homosexuals before them, polyamorics are having to invent a terminology to define their relationships that is comprehensible to the wider world.

Polyamory is people having multiple partners openly and consensually, often of both genders, and fully aware that each of their partners will have other lovers.

As they opened a window on to the infant culture of polyamorism Ani Ritchie and Meg Barker went on to introduce fellow psychologists to the world of frubbling, wibble, metamours and ethical sluts.

Miss Richie, from the Southampton Institute, and Dr Barker, a senior lecturer at London South Bank University, are lovers, each living together for half the time and each having other partners.

I was recently interviewed for a documentary about polyamory, and the questions got me thinking again about some of the old chestnuts in poly discussion circles.

In particular, I have been thinking about the whole question of  "can you call it a relationship if you don't have sex?" I have a boyfriend who is currently living overseas. We have had sex in the past, and I confidently expect we will have sex in the future, but we're not having sex currently (of course). I have no hesitation about referring to him as my boyfriend.

Then there is this other guy. I love him just as much as my boyfriend, and I see him every single week. We hug, kiss, sit in laps, walk along holding hands, say "I love you", but .... he's currently in a monogamous relationship with someone else. So we don't have sex. Fortunately the someone else is quite poly-friendly and realises that I am not a threat, otherwise we would already have been forced to limit ourselves to the things people normally do when they are "just friends".

I hesitate to call this second guy "boyfriend". I hesitate to call him "partner". And yet for five years we have met every single week, by phone if one of us is out of town - a level of commitment which has been missing is several sexual relationships along the way, I might add!

One of the problems I find with traditional monogamy is that it would force me to push this relationship into a category “ are we lovers or are we just friends?". And then, whichever we choose, we would have to make changes to our relationship to fit it into the rules in that category. If we are to be lovers, he would have to leave his current partner. And if we are to be just friends, we would have to stop all the lovey-dovey stuff.

When I think about it, there are quite a few people who I happily describe as "friends" with whom I am waaaaay more affectionate and sensual that I would allow myself to be with a non-lover in a monogamous context.

There are people who are clearly just friends, of course. And people who are clearly lovers. But there is quite a large grey area in between. When I stop and think, there is a range from my almost-boyfriend to a couple of people with whom there is just the occasional more-than-friends caress or eye gaze.

Taking away the need to push the relationship into one category or the other allows each relationship to float along and find its own level, often quite a stable level, out there in the grey area.

Some people call them "kissing friends", "intimate friends" or "an intimate network". I call this group of more-than-friends-but-not-quite-lovers my "flirtables".

It is one of the great joys of being polyamorous, and having a poly-friendly community around me, that I can accumulate such a wonderful, enriching, satisfying bunch of relationships in the flirtable zone.

I've never been one for black-or-white, all-or-nothing decisions anywhere in life. And when it comes to relationships, love, and sensuality, I think that kind of dichotomy is more ridiculously inappropriate than just about anywhere else.

Relationships are what they are. There's a lot of ground to cover between having sex and being totally non-sexual. I say, explore the ground, and don't let anyone else tell you how. Or when. Or where to stop. Or what to label it. Some of the best things in life just defy categoristion.

POLYFIDELITY: THE CONTEMPORARY EGALITARIAN REINCARNATION OF POLYGAMY

-PRESENTED TO THE W. A. SEXOLOGY SOCIETY 17 FEBRUARY 1993

BY CARL W. TURNEY CO-FOUNDER BEYOND MONOGAMY INC.