PolyOz

Polyamory is a hybrid word: poly is Greek for many and amor is Latin for love. It has been independently coined by several people, including Morning Glory Zell-Ravenheart whose article "A Bouquet of Lovers" (1990) is widely cited as the source of the word, and Jennifer Wesp who created the Usenet newsgroup alt.polyamory in 1992. However, the term has been reported in occasional use since the 1960s, and even outside polygamous cultures such relationships existed well before the name was coined; for one example dating from the 1920s, see William Moulton Marston.

Time and time again the subject of sex and jealousy is raised in discussions about our lifestyle, in this article from his Blog, Polyamory Paradigm gives us his view on the subject:

Recently I was talking with a partner of mine about her potential new lover who is a contradiction to her normal tastes and desires. Being a bit confused, I asked some questions to which I got a response that surprised me. Referring to her potential new partner she said, "We are poly. You know I'm going to sleep with other people so I didn't think you would care."That got me to thinking about conversations I've had with potential new partners of my own. One of my relationship rules is that I know about any new sexual partners they acquire before we have sex together again. Let me be clear with that one. It isn't that I must know before they have sex with a new partner (though that is my preference), I want to know they have had sex with a new partner before I have sex with them again so I can gauge my feelings about safety. Often the response I get to that rule is much like the one my current partner gave; "You're poly. Why would you care if I sleep with someone else?"

Be my Valentine asks Eric Francis Coppolino in his article published @ Chronogram Magazine January 31, 2011

When I first started writing for Chronogram, I succeeded in causing a controversy.

Oh really? you say. And how was that?

Well, I wrote a three-part series on polyamory—that is, on what some call “responsible nonmonogamy” and others call “open relationships.” I guess this was around 1997. It seems like so long ago. I started the first of the three articles by coming out of the closet as polyamorous; I thought it was a good idea to get that fact out of the way. I love relationships and the art of relating, and I like to connect with whomever it feels right to relate to, in whatever way is mutually agreeable. (Trust me, those terms and conditions don’t leave a lot of room for the anarchy you may think is brewing.)

Sometimes, in the course of human events, one needs to go back and clarify one's definitions.  For the term and concept "polyamory," now seems like just such a time: Sex at Dawn has brought the idea of humans as a non-monogamous species into the mainstream, Canada's case against polygamy has brought polyamorous families to the forefront, and people who are interested in multiple intimate emotional entanglements are still struggling to differentiate themselves from swingers.

But polyamory can mean so many things to so many people that some people are struggling to make sure the definition doesn't become too broad.  The Polyamory Paradigm blog, for instance, finds that poly-tantra activist Janet Kira Lessin's descriptions of six-way orgies at the Poly Living Conference seem more swinger-like than poly-like.  Alan at Polyamory in the News has expressed concerns that with the gradual mainstreaming of polyamory, people will try it in uninformed and dishonest ways and make the lifestyle look naive and impossible to those being exposed to it for the first time.  Even Deborah Anapol, pioneer of polyamory in the '80s and author of the original Love Without Limits, allows for the labeling of open or potentially open marriages as "new monogamy."

Keeping up with social change is exciting, and important. There is a growing awareness of polyamory as a way to form relationships and families, and it is on the frontier of social change in acceptance of relationships. The more aware and accepting of diversity in relationships the more healthy our society is. It is not to be confused with polygamy, which is associated with religious laws that permit multiple wives, and does not have the same emphasis on an individual’s autonomy and agency.

There was a time, not too many decades ago, when homosexuality was classified as a mental illness, to be out was more dangerous than not, and discrimination was both expected and condoned. To acknowledge a same sex relationship was unthinkable. We have come a long way since then, and still have a long way to go.

It might seem like a silly question.  I mean, if you are poly, then there can be no cheating, right?  This is entirely false, and I will show you why.

When you enter into a poly relationship, you hopefully do so with the consent and the knowledge of all those involved.  When you find a new girlfriend, you do not “forget” to tell her about your wife, nor do you remove your wedding ring when you head to the bar.  For unmarried couples who are getting into poly, these same rules apply.  To do otherwise is deceptive to the person that is kept in the dark.

Let me make it clear, also, that if you are having sex with other people and your partner does not know… this is not poly, it is cheating.  Trying to dress it up with a legitimate label is false, and it sure won’t save your butt when you get caught.
That said, it is also important to know that poly relationships differ from each other.  My husband and I are fluid bonded (obviously), but we are not allowed within our relationship to have unprotected sex with other people.  If I were to go enjoy some fellow, everything would be find in our world.  If I did so without a condom, it would be a violation of his trust, and would be considered cheating.  Some couples require that sex only be engaged in when both members of the couple are present with the third (or more).  Some prefer that their partner inform them at least 24 hours before they have a date.  Some require permission before anyone is allowed to enjoy another person physically.

Whatever the limits of the poly relationship, breaking those limits is a betrayal of trust and, yes, it is cheating.  Some people even cheat on purpose, perhaps seeing the person that they care for but that their primary partner does not approve of.  In poly, trust and respect are very important, and cheating is a devastating betrayal of trust to which even we are not immune.

Original Article © March 5, 2008 Polyamory from the Inside Out

- Percy Byshe Shelley

The road to Polyamory Utopia is long and twisting. There are many learning curves and it is dotted with potholes and littered with road kill. The rewards are great on arrival but there is a price to pay.   You have to learn how to negotiate this road and unfortunately our parents, peers, teachers, and clerics have not been too helpful in guiding us along the way.

But we are learning  Brad Blanton, the author of Radical Honesty, in a keynote address at a Loving More conference several years ago said, “You guys are the research and development arm of society”.    And as researchers we will make mistakes .

But we also learn as we make mistakes. In observing the Poly community over the past 10 years it has become apparent to me that there are some basic principles, I call them Pillars, that everyone must understand and internalize to be able to successfully negotiate the road to Polyamory.