You and me and you, a threesome!Me: "I'm Polyamorous."
Them: "Oh, so you have like two girlfriends right?"
Me: "Yep"
Them: "Cool, so you have lots of threesomes and stuff right?"
Me: "Nope."
Them: "But I thought that's what 'you' do?"
Blah, blah, blah after that as you struggle to explain what Polyamory is actually all about. Or maybe you are just tired of trying to explain it and say, "Yep. Every night. All night long. All we ever do is threesomes. In the bed, on the floor, in the shower, front yard, back yard, in the car, on the roof. Wherever we can, threesomes."
What exactly is poly about a threesome?
Yes I love each of my partners. Yes, I have physical relationships with each of them. Does that require me to try and have a physical relationship with each of them at the same time? No.
Why is there an assumption that if I love more than one person, those two people must love each other as well. Personally when I think about multiple partners the last thing I want is to have two people who are exactly the same. To some extent I would like them to be different if not opposite. At that point would they even be interested in each other, let alone to the extent of being lovers? I doubt it.
I'm not even sure what makes people think I would be capable of satisfying two women at the same time. Yes yes, I know I am a virile young ::cough: stud ::laughs:: with supreme sexual powers ::snort:: beyond those imaginable. ::chuckle:: But maybe both my partners would be just as proficient so even with my exceptional prowess ::chortle:: I wouldn't be able to meet their demands.
I could go around in circles with this one for a while, and in fact I did. I even got within a cats whisker of deleting this article because I really didn't feel it was going anywhere. Although I didn't understand why it bothered me so much when people talk about threesomes and poly in an assumptive manner in the same sentence I realized I needed to pay attention to this blog title. Polyamory Paradigm. I needed a paradigm shift! That's when I saw the question from a different perspective.
Rather than thinking the relationship between threesomes and polyamory was an assumption I realized it was very possibly a desire! That maybe the people putting those two things together are doing so out of a suppressed desire for a threesome. They need to think Polyamory would give someone an acceptable, approved method of having a threesome!!
Thinking about it a bit more, it makes sense. Often in conversations I've had where I've had to correct the assumption about threesomes my correction is met with disbelief. I have even had people say "Well what's the point then?" after explaining things to them. They have even argued the point saying things like "Well you could have a threesome, right?" or "Well if you could have a threesome, why haven't you?"
I am bugged quite a bit when people make the assumption that my partners and I all have group sex every night. I think because it feels demeaning to my beliefs. Seriously, I wonder how those same people would feel if I assumed because they are married or have a girlfriend they were having sex every night. And how they would feel if, after they tell me they aren't having sex every night, I looked at them like they had three heads or are mentally handicapped and asked them what was wrong with them or their mate. But writing this article has helped me see things a bit differently. Maybe I can be more tolerant of the question in the future.
How about you? Does the threesome assumption bother you? Do you even get asked the threesome question when telling people you are poly? And if so, do you think it could be a secret desire by people to have threesomes? Or do you think there is some other reason for the threesome assumption?
© Polyamory Paradigm / http://polyamoryparadigm.blogspot.com June 5, 2010
