PolyOz

Be my Valentine asks Eric Francis Coppolino in his article published @ Chronogram Magazine January 31, 2011

When I first started writing for Chronogram, I succeeded in causing a controversy.

Oh really? you say. And how was that?

Well, I wrote a three-part series on polyamory—that is, on what some call “responsible nonmonogamy” and others call “open relationships.” I guess this was around 1997. It seems like so long ago. I started the first of the three articles by coming out of the closet as polyamorous; I thought it was a good idea to get that fact out of the way. I love relationships and the art of relating, and I like to connect with whomever it feels right to relate to, in whatever way is mutually agreeable. (Trust me, those terms and conditions don’t leave a lot of room for the anarchy you may think is brewing.)

Sometimes, in the course of human events, one needs to go back and clarify one's definitions.  For the term and concept "polyamory," now seems like just such a time: Sex at Dawn has brought the idea of humans as a non-monogamous species into the mainstream, Canada's case against polygamy has brought polyamorous families to the forefront, and people who are interested in multiple intimate emotional entanglements are still struggling to differentiate themselves from swingers.

But polyamory can mean so many things to so many people that some people are struggling to make sure the definition doesn't become too broad.  The Polyamory Paradigm blog, for instance, finds that poly-tantra activist Janet Kira Lessin's descriptions of six-way orgies at the Poly Living Conference seem more swinger-like than poly-like.  Alan at Polyamory in the News has expressed concerns that with the gradual mainstreaming of polyamory, people will try it in uninformed and dishonest ways and make the lifestyle look naive and impossible to those being exposed to it for the first time.  Even Deborah Anapol, pioneer of polyamory in the '80s and author of the original Love Without Limits, allows for the labeling of open or potentially open marriages as "new monogamy."

Suggested publications: Marie Claire, Cosmopolitan, Cleo

Angie* was introduced to Ray* by a co-worker. She didn’t know much about him at all, but sometimes when she was waiting to cross the road in the mornings on her way to work she would see him kiss a woman goodbye at the front of their workplace. Angie just assumed that the woman was his girlfriend, and thought no more of it.

At work their paths crossed more often, and their conversations were quite professional until one day Ray cracked a joke and made Angie laugh. Their friendship developed and she found herself talking about her own relationship problems when they’d go for walks in their lunch hour. One day, Ray said, “You do know that I’ve got a girlfriend, don’t you?” He went on to say that he was still married and living together with his wife and children, and that his wife knew about his girlfriend. Ray explained that they were in an open, polyamorous relationship.

When Ray got a message from his wife, Liz*, saying that she had arrived at her lover’s house to engage in some afternoon delight, Angie finally understood. She found this confronting, but also liberating. Hearing that two adults could have an honest and open relationship with such a high level of communication was astounding to her.

Angie and Ray’s relationship became closer and eventually they found themselves in a physical relationship. Ray told her that he openly discussed their relationship with his wife, and of Liz’s positive reaction to the events. A week later, Angie met Liz.

*Names have been changed to protect identities